DEAR OUTSIDE WOMAN

This letter serves to officially inform you that with immediate effect your services as “outside woman” will no longer be needed.

Due to the recent increases in the price of fuel and the continued escalation of the cost of living, it has now become increasingly difficult for me to continue supporting two women (namely you and de wife). Therefore, following a recent board meeting (namely an ultimatum put forward by the wife), I have now been forced to cut staff.

Since the wife say that she ain't gine no way and has threatened industrial action, after careful deliberation and a meeting with my Financial Manager (de wife) and Human Resource Manager (also de wife), a decision was made to lay you off.

I am sure that you would have realised that over the last couple of weeks I have not been utilising your services as much and you haven't been seeing me too regular. It ain't so much that I didn’t want to pass and give you a shout, but de gas prices girl, de gas prices, and you know that piece o old car I got from the time I back it out the garage it does want something to drink.

Moreover every time I pass by you, you does always be in some kinda difficulty, when it ain’t your gas bottle that just run out, it is the light bill now come, when it ain’t the gate door want fixing, it is the fella who cut the grass waiting on me to get pay. And when I tell you that things brown you does got your mouth push up in the air and ignore me the whole night.

Plus de wife say that regardless of how high the prices get she ain’t cutting back for a soul (especially you), she gotta look better than you when she step out this house, so every weekend she at the salon getting she hair fix up, and getting the fingernails and the toe nails spray paint. When she done I still gotta buy rice (which gone up), chicken (which gone up), flour, fish, lard oil and butter (all which gone up), which don’t leave nothing much for you.

Furthermore, even though you were able to assist me in certain areas in which the wife was deficient, I distinctively remember you informing me when we were finalising your job description, that you will not be washing my clothes nor underwears, you ain’t pressing, you ain’t turning cou-cou, nor tending to lame foots. You said them was duties for my wife and children, plus you say that you ain't want no man sleeping in at you, so by a certain time at night I used to have to brek for home. Well I brekking for home for good.

I therefore take this opportunity to thank you for all services rendered in the past and do wish you continued success in your future endeavors as an “outside woman”. I am sure an “outside woman” with your experience would be an asset to any hen pecked husband, and I would be more than happy to provide you with a letter of recommendation should you require one.

Once again thank you and good luck.